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20th August 2011

9:45am: This is friends only, and I hope I'm not embarassing you, Rielle, but I've wanted to say thanks. I've been thinking about some interactions we had in high school that I remember well and am very grateful for.

I've been struggling with depression for probably... 15-16 years now and was particularly deep in it in high school as my mom was getting sicker and sicker. You noticed (and Arianna, too-- I have a great memory of that as well) and, I think, tried to keep my spirits up. I remember on one occasion you put a sparkly blue bracelet around my wrist, and on another occasion you gave me your phone number in secret "for anything."
I actually found that little corner of a page in my room not so long ago when I was cleaning things out. I don't think I ever used it, but the gesture alone made a few of my days better.

Thank you.

(1 holy | smokes)

10th June 2010

11:49am: In an effort to spark more creativity, I will only be using internets while at work. I will use it very sparingly at home since that is the primary method my dad and I communicate.

Au revoir.

(1 holy | smokes)

30th May 2010

2:41pm: So Tuesday night/wenesday morning I woke up with the chills and nausea. For the next 6 or 8 hours, I was sleeping and waking with either chills or sweats every hour or so, accompanied by the nausea. It went away after awhile, I think I shat a few times, and that was that. It was really scary for me since I have the fear of vomiting, and especially since I was home alone. William has been at his dad's farm since Monday night (Monday I had a migraine-- woo!). My brother came up to spend the day with me since I didn't know when/if it would end. I took the day off work.

Thursday I went to work and got one of my favorite lunches, had a pretty good day and drove down to the farm. Around 11 that night, the same symptoms came back and I spent the entire night on the couch waiting out waves of nausea and sweats/chills. It just kind of went away in the same fashion.

Looking back at the days I felt ill, I realized that I ate tempeh both days. Tempeh is one of my favorite foods and I eat it pretty often in all meals. However, this is the only similarity between the two days, and my symptoms popped up in the same way, same time frames. I guess I have a sudden intolerance to one of the grains involved, or maybe I got a bad batch and eating tempeh again so soon after triggered a similar response.

How would I go about figuring out which grain to avoid? I go to see my neurologist on Tuesday, so I guess I'll just mention it to him. I hope that the food intolerance is what is wrong, because I don't want to feel like that again while I'm home alone, or ever, really. W gets home Tuesday or Wednesday...

(1 holy | smokes)

26th December 2009

5:10pm: Apparently there was an ice storm in Boone last night.
This morning, W was supposed to drive my van back up there. I hope everything is okay. I've called once and texted him one, and nada.

It's raining here now, and I may or may not be going to see a friend play a gig at a cafe. The other friend that was supposed to play now will not be there. I can't get a hold of anyone else who is supposed to be going. Hm hm hm.

Good thoughts.


6th July 2009

Hi, I am at Noah & Alyse's for the first time since April! Yaaaaay!

&! My brother's first day of work is in Charlotte, so I picked him up from the airport yesterday and we all hung out. Might meet up with him again today, but I'm not counting on it too much. 


30th June 2009

11:28am: I got a B in my Lit course since I decided not to do the second paper or review. Good grade for little effort.
Got an A in Constructions of Gender, which I'll take, but it doesn't make sense. I was averaging out my grade to be around an 89.2, which would not round up to an A. But that's cool!

I'm also rather pleased to see that my GPA isn't completely fucked by failing two classes last semester. Granted, it's gone down QUITE a bit, but it isn't as bad as I thought. I was pulling a 3.4 overall before last fall, and now I have a 2.98. As long as I stay around/over 3, I am pretty happy with myself. I think it'll show well that one semester was totally fucked and I was able to pull out of it.


8th May 2009

2:43pm: I just got 10 books for $9.22 from the paperback book exchange in town.

Mother by Maxim Gorky
Madame Bovary by Flaubert
The Wisdom of the Heart by Henry Miller
Daisy Miller by Henry James
One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
The Way of All Flesh by Samuel Butler
Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak
War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
Music and Imagination by Aaron Copland
Modern Music by Paul Grifiths

I am hoping to finish The Master and Margarita soon & I started on a collection of essays this morning called Edge of Awareness. Exciting exciting exciting. I love me some books.


28th April 2009

11:12pm: Nerd nerd nerd alert.

I started The Master and Margarita by Bulgakov today. One of the first characters in it is Berlioz, named for Hector Berlioz, the composer of Symphonie Fantastique.
In the novel, another character predicts that Berlioz will be beheaded.
In Symphonie, Berlioz was inspired by the invention of the guillotine. One of the movements ends with the sound effect of Berlioz's head rolling across the stage.
"It was Berlioz's severed head" are the last words in the third chapter of the novel.

How great is that?

I still need to do some research on if Rachmaninoff was inspired at all by Chekhov for one of his concert etudes [in A minor, I believe, called "sea of seagulls"]...


1st March 2009

3:18pm: anyone have any spare spirals? i've got the piercing itch bad, but i've decided to try and stretch my left ear instead. it's at a 2, while my right ear is 7/16 hahaha...

I pretty much just need 2g and 0g spirals. I think I'm on the smaller size of 2g, so it'd be good to just define it a bit more. I have 00g and 7/16 covered.

I can pay probably about $10 total, if that's any incentive. Free is always nice- I'll pay shipping or send you something fun back!


20th February 2009

3:53pm: When you're having trouble sleeping, do you ever try sleeping on the floor? I get some of my best rest there sometimes. Apparently it is a little weird.

Also, I've wanted to try getting back into writing, but I have 0 ideas. Any suggestions/starters?

(4 holys | smokes)

8th February 2009

9:46pm: Out of the 155 spam email messages I had, two of them were from me. I might have to change my stories somehow. Two were also from BBW. wink wink.


25th January 2009



16th January 2009

1:43pm: Update Update
I'm still not feeling great and having to take things one day at a time, but I'm working on it.

I'm not working because my energy sucks and I need to be napping almost constantly. I get worn out super easy.

This week has been very frustrating. I had a neurology appointment on Tuesday morning that didn't go so well. I feel like the doctor I saw wasn't listening to me at all. She deflected my concern about my energy by saying that my psychiatrist would take care of it, even though I feel like it is directly related to the headaches- which I am still getting daily. She also seemed very doubtful of me when I told her that I wasn't on Effexor for energy, but to counteract the growing depression/suicidal thoughts I got as a side effect of the medicine she prescribed me. That medicine, Lamictal, is a mood stabilizer, and those have a tendency to fuck with people as much as they help others.  Then she said something starting with "I don't want you to think that I am ignoring the depression..." and I just stopped listening because I feel like she IS ignoring it completely and I don't appeciate that.
I actually have big problems discussing my depression outside of a psychological setting because of the social stigma/ignorance of it. This past semester, I have repeatedly been treated in less-then-savory ways because of it, but that's another story.

Back to the neurologist. I suppose it was foolish of me to not call ahead for a refill on the Lamictal. I ran out on the day that I saw her, so I figured she'd give me a script and I could get it filled that day. Fat chance. She is inept. I went 3 days without my medicine and went through some withdrawal last night because she couldn't get the prescription faxed right- in fact, she sent a fax for a medicine I have never taken before.
I am currently looking for a new neurologist. I finally got my medicine this morning, by the way.

Yesterday, I started up with a new therapist. I like him a lot. It was just an intake appointment, but I am going to be seeing him regularly. He already thinks that I'm on a really good track with trying to work through things. And he called me articulate, which is an awesome compliment. We scheduled 4 more appointments over the next month. I'm looking forward to them.

It seems to me like I am due for a nap, so I'll just end it here. ta.

(1 holy | smokes)

27th December 2008

8:59pm: This will probably be a big update.

I don't really know how much I've updated about my health issues the past few months. In October, I went to the infirmary for knee pain and headaches. The knee was checked out first, and I got referred to the injury clinic. I got blood tests done for my headaches, which came back "picture perfect".

At the injury clinic, I learned that my patella doesn't match up with the rest of my bones the way it's supposed to. It's a condition that "hopefully won't leave [me] in a wheelchair later in life." I got enrolled in physical therapy at school. I did PT 2-3 times a week for awhile, until I was asked if it was helping much- it wasn't. So the guy running it told me that what we were doing at PT wouldn't hurt anything, but I should see an Orthopedist. At this point, I was frustrated and still getting headaches and just stopped going to PT, and I have yet to see an orthopedist.

I went back to the infirmary maybe a month after the initial visit because I was still getting headaches daily. I got referred to a neurologist. I saw her in November. She tested my reflexes and a number of other things. I got put on Magnesium Oxide and Lamictal, and got an MRI set up for the following week.
That Monday, I saw the psychiatrist at school regarding depression meds. Since Lamictal is a mood stabilizer, we decided to try that one out alone for a bit.
The MRI was a bit traumatizing for me (another sort of long story), but I made it out okay and with a few bruises from getting contrast injected.

The Monday following that, I got a call about the MRI results. I have a 5mm lesion in my brain. The doctor explained to me that lesions are commonly seen with severe headaches, but mine was bigger than those. She told me that I needed to see another doctor in the practice before I went home for Xmas to talk about it.
-> In the meantime, the Lamictal was making me more and more depressed. I had another appointment with the psych and I got put on Effexor XR to balance it out. The Effexor made me nauseous, dizzy, and left me shaky. I almost passed out a few times. I'm still shaky, but the rest of the side effects have calmed down a bit.

About 2 weeks ago, I saw the other  neurologist. He mainly talked about Multiple Sclerosis. I do NOT have it currently, but the lesion I have is the same shape/size of the ones MS patients have. I'll have a follow-up MRI to see if anything changes in a few months. MS is the main thing we're looking out for so far, but MS is also commonly misdiagnosed and hastily diagnosed. So pretty much, no effing clue what's going on without a biopsy- which I will not have unless I fall deathly ill.

In the meantime, I have to take things one day at a time because I'm still having headaches and it leaves me extremely fatigued. I don't leave bed some days. I am taking next semester off to get better. I see the neuro. again Jan. 13.

So that was long, but important. I appreciate any well-wishes and prayers.

(7 holys | smokes)

12th December 2008

6:51pm: What would you give to a very sweet, really southern woman who you don't know terribly well but she takes good care of you?

one of the housekeepers in the school of music here is the sweetest woman i've ever met. we've talked a good deal over the last year or so and she always makes sure to say hi and give a hug and checks up on how i've been doing. i want to get her something nice for christmas.

the only idea i really have is a gift card to panera, but i'm not sure if she likes their food. what's something that's really thoughtful and lets someone know that you appreciate them?

(3 holys | smokes)

7th December 2008

4:39pm: This week, I had the privilege to listen to composer David Maslanka speak twice. The first time, he came to my conducting class.

He described ourselves as "passionate little beings" through music. I particularly like this phrase, and it's been rolling around in my head for a few days. I still like it, and I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it. I think it is a good goal.

Today was a performance of his A Child's Garden of Dreams Book I & II (Book II was a world premiere performance at my school). The dreams he used were from a book by Carl Jung. In the program notes, it described a father reading through a book that his daughter had given him, with some of her dreams chronicled in it. I think she was about 8, it said. She didn't live past puberty. 
In describing dreams, Maslanka said that there are some that are there to very clearly illustrate the path that we should take and others are just... "different". He said that the different ones are messages from the divine.
The dreams this little girl had were very clearly about transformation and movement from one world or one life into the next. There were dreams of being eaten by animals, of becoming ill and having birds erupt from her skin and covering her, and gnats covering all celestial bodies but a single star, and the star falling on her.

His music was phenomenal. I had goosebumps through some movements, and I was quite literally on the edge of my seat by the last one. I had to just sit for a bit and reflect before leaving. I think maybe I have more thinking to do, and I think I want to discover how to be a passionate little being, and I want to discover everything within everything.

Another thing that he mentioned was that in a world like the one we have today, sometimes music seems so little and insignificant, but it isn't by any means. I've also been finding that to be true lately.

In the past few weeks, my skill with trombone playing has vastly improved. I've been feeling rather ill and disenchanted with life. To be honest, I've been really miserable. Nothing is going too well mentally, physically, emotionally... spiritually, I'm trying to pray more, but  digress. There are days that I find myself playing for over 6 hours. My range keeps extending up and I've got a few solo pieces I feel I'm doing rather well with. My trombone is the only thing holding me together these days.
I'm taking next semester off from school for mental/physical health reasons and I'm going to get back to work at Panera. I worked out my schedule so I can still participate in trombone choir at school. That means I have to be in at work at 530a, but it's so completely worth it.

I'm looking forward to my time off, and I'm looking for it to be an extention of myself in all directions. I hope to get less miserable. Really, I don't feel like I can continue like this too much longer. I need a change, I need growth, I need peace.

(7 holys | smokes)

27th November 2008

11:35am: "Crisis" of faith?
I was on facebook the other day, and saw an ad for the American Humanist Association. It read as follows: "Don't believe in God? Great! Be good for goodness sake!"
I've known for awhile the Vonnegut was a humanist, and I think it is a beautiful philosophy/way of life- but why the emphasis on godlessness? The good that I extend to the world, I feel, is out of empathy, compassion, and the want to see others happy. One could argue that these are gifts from God that I am compelled to share, but I don't feel like that's necessarily the case. But still- why can't one call himself a humanist if there is a belief in God present? I tried to do some research on it, and I didn't find many answers.
That's not the point, though.

It got me thinking about what exactly I do or don't believe about God, and what I've always felt about a higher being. In terms of the afterlife, which I feel is an important part of any religion, I've always felt like we're on a loop. To me, it makes sense that as soon as we die, we're immediately reborn into ourselves and we go through the same life, the same actions, over and over again with no recollection of previous lives. We are infinite in each moment. I have typed this billions of times, and I'll continue to do so. It just feels... right. Maybe that's a deflection of a fear of dying, but I've always felt that.
I'm not sure if I believe in God in a traditional Christian sense. I believe that there is part of the higher power within everyone. I believe that there are many different avenues to the higher power, in and outside of the Christian faith. I think that faith is more important as a personal journey than that of a congregation. Which leads me to wonder about Reconcilliation/Confession. Why is there a need for us to confess our sins to someone other than God? Why aren't we allowed that personal dialogue? God or whatever higher power I feel knows what is in my heart and what I do to try and rectify my transgressions.  I haven't been to confession since 7th grade, and I don't feel one bit bad about it.

Another religion that has always interested me is the Bahá'í Faith.  According to Wikipedia: "Three core principles establish a basis for Bahá'í teachings and doctrine: the unity of God, the unity of religion, and the unity of humankind.[3] From these postulates stems the belief that God periodically reveals his will through divine educators, whose purpose is to transform the character of humankind and develop within those who respond moral and spiritual qualities. Religion is thus seen as orderly, unified, and progressive from age to age."

[f'real, go check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bah%C3%A1%27%C3%AD_Faith   it's interesting]
And I kinda dig that, but I'm not 100% sure how to feel. I need to do more reading/research.

In terms of my Catholocism, I've been looking to get confirmed for some years now, following a refusal to do so in the 9th grade. I'd have time to this year, and now I'm wondering if I really am ready. My initial reasoning for getting confirmed was this: "I pray in a Catholic fashion- I cannot break free of those teachings and they bring me great comfort. I cannot deny that it is part of me, so I cannot deny being a Catholic anymore." Yes, I do pray the rosary almost daily and I do subscribe to certain saints. But maybe that's about all for me and Catholocism. The roasry for me, is like meditation. The feel of the beads, the rhythm of the prayers... just works. So maybe I just need to take that from my Catholocism and use it as an anchor to help my personal spiritual growth.

So I'm not really sure where I fit in the spectrum of world religions or lackthereof. I just know that what I feel in my heart is coming to the forefront and might not be something I am comfortable celebratng as a Christian. 
I think, though, that I do fear talking to my family about this...


(3 holys | smokes)

24th November 2008

2:45pm: lololol. I kinda got asked out at the bus stop today.

There were two fellas having a conversation, and I kept looking over in their direction because that's where my bus would be coming from and it was cold and I wanted the bus to get GET THERE. When one guy was about to leave, the other looked over at me and asked "did anyone ever tell you you're cute?"
to which I said, "not often, but thank you"
Then he started asking about my gauges and ear piercings, which started a conversation about piercings and tattoos. Turned out we were waiting on the same bus, so he kept talking to me. We talked a lot about churches in the area and a little about school.
Next comes: "do you have a boyfriend?" yeah. "oh, so i guess it would be out of line to ask you out then." yeah. sorry.


that was an interesting 20 minutes.

(1 holy | smokes)

11th November 2008


(3 holys | smokes)

10th October 2008

11:29pm: Appeasement





(5 holys | smokes)

11:09am: I finally went to the infirmary for my knee.
The result: I have patella femoral misalignment. My bones don't match up! They click and pop and freeze and this is all part of the misalignment. The only thing I can do is go to physical therapy and rehab.

Want to know what's fun? The doctor checked the reflexes in that knee and there are none!
So I had blood work done, too. I go back on Tuesday to talk about it.

Also went in for the headaches I've been having, talk about that on Tuesday, too.

I'm falling apart. D:


7th September 2008

11:54pm: i got a vertical industrial today. finallys.

yay for getting frustrated with sax quartets and going out to get punctured instead.

(7 holys | smokes)

3rd September 2008

8:46pm: I'm so frustrated.
Concert Band really sucks the life out of me.

Remember my decision to not do jazz band this semester? Because I'd be doing it for no credit and because it wouldn't count as a major ensemble => I'd be doing it just for me/to keep sane?
Yeah. Well, I found out today that Jazz II, my ensemble, was made into an acceptable major ensemble this term.
Drop/Add ended yesterday.

I'm going to talk to Mr. Berry about it tomorrow, but I think they have enough trombones. In that case, I'll be kicking myself for not taking Dr. Meister up on joining a once weekly choral group with a bunch of senior citizens.

I'm so drained from just one session of Concert Band. It's like pulling teeth for me. I hate most of the people in it, I hate the music selections and I really quite dislike the conductors. I kind of want to cry and just go to bed right now.


29th August 2008

3:32pm: Mondays are going to be the longest days ever.

8a: trumpet and horn
9a: english lit
10a: aural skills
11a: russian
12p: lunch
1p: bone choir
2p: music history
430: comp seminar
6p: concert band
8p: concerts for recital attendance
9ish: home

i feel so screwed over. there's an hour and a half between history and seminar, but that's not enough time to catch a bus to come home and back. even if i could, i 'm not supposed to be allowed to park on campus until after 5. which creates the problem of finding a way home from concert band and/or the concerts. i might have to make a deal with kimberly.
i think if i can get dr. meister to bump seminar back a half hour, things will work out better. thats how it was last fall, and it worked quite well.

and yes, i pretty much have to go to every concert i can this semestr because i missed one performance seminar too many and so i have to see 20 fucking concerts this semester. because i am a retard. damn it all- i'm going back to bed. :[


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